How to Attend a Wedding
October 16, 2005: 12:58 AM

How to Attend a Wedding: A two-part comprehensive guide, by Phil Renaud

I've attended a few hundred weddings over the course of my young life thus far, between DJing them for strangers or attending them as a guest. Coincidentally, I sell suits and sell/rent tuxedos to wedding parties and attendees.

If there is one thing I've noticed, it's that the general population doesn't attend nearly enough weddings to know what "normal" entails. And it's understandable - weddings can be expensive to attend, given the travel, gifts, wardrobe, etc. Still, I notice so many basic and fundamental errors that I feel compelled to help in some way.

Thus, I give you this guide in an effort to ease your wedding-going pain, and in the meantime, entertain.

How to Dress for a Wedding

If you're in the wedding party, it's all generally set-order.

For the Groom/Groomsmen: Either go with tuxedos or nice black suits. If you're going tuxedos, make sure they're good ones, even if you're just renting for the night: Satin lapels and buttons, satin stripes down the side of the pants. You should all have matching patterns on your vests, and the groom should be set in a different colour vest than the guys. In most cases, the groom has a neutral colour (black, white, silver) while the groomsmen match their vests with the colour of the bridesmaids' dresses.

Your tuxedo jacket can come in a variety of styles. Your best bet is to speak with your wedding planner or wardrobe consultant on the subject, but in general this is the rule to follow: 3 buttons are modern, 1 and 2 buttons are traditional and older-style. Double-breasted is right-out not allowed. 4 and 5 buttons are generally best left to prom kids.

For the Bride/bride's maids: Bridal gowns come in all shapes and sizes, and even colours these days, but a form-fitting white dress is still the most popular choice. Don't do anything too flashy or trendy; those photos will be on your mantle the rest of your life. Keep this maxim in effect when picking the bridesmaids' dresses, and don't cop out with the cash on this. Women at weddings are vicious, and will be either lackluster or great partiers, depending on their mood. The dress makes the mood.

For the guests: Do your homework. If you have a few weddings coming up, make sure you have something different to wear to each of them. This doesn't entail a lot of money: Even doing something as simple as wearing a black suit to one wedding, then taking the slacks from said suit and pairing them with a nice sportscoat will do the trick in many cases.

Still, do your homework. A basic men's suit wardrobe should have the following: 1 black suit, 1 navy suit, 1 charcoal grey suit, 1 earth-tone suit (olive, brown, or tan), 1 blue blazer (if your navy suit is a solid colour, as opposed to stripes, then you can use the suitjacket here instead), 1 conservative coloured (black/blue/grey) tweed sportsjacket, 1 earthtoned sportsjacket.

This is not essential to dressing for a wedding, but it certainly helps. If you have absolutely nothing in your wardrobe, set aside a cool $400 and hit a men's wear store in your area.

Once there, discuss your needs with a wardrobe consultant or sales associate, and explain your situation. The most basic response to your wedding needs, should you have nothing, should be the following: One black suit, preferably 3-button single-breasted. 1 pair of black shoes, heel-type and style to your preference. 1 black belt, same texture as the shoes. 1 pair of thin dress socks (NOT cotton, your feet will sweat to high heaven in cotton socks and dress shoes on a wedding dance floor) that match the colour of your pants. One light-weight, light-coloured dress shirt. Don't skimp on the cash on the dress shirt, either. You'll find a million and one uses for it once you own it. Avoid plain white unless you want to be indistinguishable from half the other guys attending. I suggest a light blue, burgundy, or tan coloured shirt. 1 tie, chosen at your, and your wardrobe consultant's, discretion.

How to Make a Speech or a Toast

Have something witty to say at any given time, lest you be asked to do a toast unprepared. The people who make the really meaningful and heartfelt emotional toasts are generally the ones who are at the head table, and who have a toast prepared. It is common enough, however, for guests to be called on to make a toast. You want to garner some laughs. The later in the evening it is, as a rule of thumb, the more open the crowd will be to off-the-cuff humour. Keep it cleaner in the early hours, though. A few favourite quips:

"May all your ups and downs be on waterbeds, and may all your blues be Labatt"'s."

or

"May your genetalia never fail ya'"

or something to that effect. Nothing terribly raunchy, just something to loosen people up and get some laughs going.

Making a speech is altogether more difficult. Practice a few times in front of the mirror before hand. Time yourself, and try your damndest not to speak immediately after the parents of the bride or groom, because that's tough to follow up.

On the timing: watch the person in front of you, and note your feelings about their speech. If you got the feeling theirs was too short, stretch yours out a bit to balance. Similarly, if theirs really trailed on, make yours short and sweet and to the point.

A good speech doesn't have to be a long speech. Some of the best that I've seen have taken under 90 seconds to deliver in their entirety. Be clear on the microphone, and if it is a uni-directional mic (most house/hall mics are), then keep it an inch in front of you, half an inch below your lower lip. This prevents the breathing sound you make with your Fs and Ps and such.

If you're prone to crying during weddings, find something to laugh about immediately prior to speaking.

Don't forget to bring your glass with you if you intend on making a toast during your speech.

Don't be that Guy

Don't be that guy.

You know the types I'm talking about, we've all seen them.

The first, and most common one, is the one portrayed by Steve Buscemi in The Wedding Singer. You get loud and obnoxious and annoying, and you do it quickly. You wrestle the mic away from DJs and MCs alike, singing along to Margaritaville like you wrote the thing, or mumbling and slurring through a toast to the bride's mother who is, unbeknownst to you, dead. Even though you thought the open-bar made it a good idea to pound back a dozen shots of vodka before dinner, you may begin to think otherwise when the groom - possibly a relative of yours - kicks you out. Don't be that guy.

Don't be that guy that ruins everybody's fun by being the party-pooper, either. Don't go onto the dance floor during a really hot number and remind everybody that they should go take some photos of the cake before it gets cut. Don't be the guy who gets dragged out to the dance floor by his date, and just stands there, arms crossed, with an snobby look on your face like you're above dancing at a wedding. Don't be that guy.

Don't be that guy that causes a scene or looks to get in a fight at a wedding. This isn't your night, it's the bride's and groom's night. If you're the fighting-drunk type of drinker, don't drink at a wedding. Maybe you don't fight, you just get angry: the rule still applies. Don't be that guy. You have the potential to ruin a wedding night by being that guy.

That's all for part one of "How to Attend a Wedding", part two will include:

How to Drink at a Wedding
How to Dance
How to Request a Song

To be continued!

Thanks for the comments: Aanika, Sean

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