How to Attend a Wedding Part 2
October 22, 2005: 10:42 AM

It's back! Part 2 of my "How to Attend a Wedding" series, straight from my heart as a wedding DJ and thus frequent attendee.

Part One contained "How to Dress for a Wedding", "How to make a Toast or Speech", and "Don't Be That Guy". That post garnered me more emails than I've ever gotten before for a blog, mostly to good response.

Well, let's get to it, then:

How to Request a Song

Look around the room. Are people dancing and having a good time, or are they generally mopey and just minding their own business in their seats? Is it so early in the evening that none of the white people are drunk and therefore hilariously awesome dancers yet? Maybe you should wait until gramps downs his single malt scotch so he can bust a move to your request.
What are the demographics at the wedding? Are you thinking of requesting some Tone Loc at a wedding where everybody else seems to think that Stevie Wonder is an up-and-coming young star, that still thinks Old Blue Eyes is kind of edgy? Give it some serious thought.

If you're not sure, ask the three most sober people at your table to tell you if it's a good idea. Sober. I mean it. If you've got enough booze in you, chances are you'll think that Mambo #5 is a song that everybody can appreciate.

It's not.

Trust me.

When you go up to talk to the DJ, be courteous. Here's my number one rule when I'm DJing a wedding: If you bring me two or more songs as a request, I will at the very least play one of them, no matter what. If you only bring me one song, and it's a stinker, I'll probably tell you it's not a good idea. DJs have to use their better judgement throughout the night, and if you suggest playing a song that we know will clear out the room, believe me, it's in everybody's best interest if you just let it go. So, bring up two songs: If the DJ hates the first one, the second one will usually go over a bit better; at the very least, give him/her a choice to make.

Oh! I nearly forgot: The single most important thing to remember is that if you request a song, you better dance to it. And not just you. Get your table up there: if it flops, it looks terrible on you, but if it goes over well, you're a champ. You want to at least look like you're having fun, and once other guests see you having a good time, it'll most often invite them up there to do the same.

Songs that will Almost Always go over well, regardless of demographic.
Marvin Gaye - Heard It Through the Grapevine
Stevie Wonder - My Eyes Don't Cry (although don't even bother requesting it; the DJ already knows to play it)
The Temptations - Ain't Too Proud to Beg
Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels - Devil with a Blue Dress/Good Golly Miss Molly
CCR - Down on the Corner
Grand Funk Railroad - Some Kind of Wonderful
Counting Crows - Mr Jones
Joe Cocker - You can Leave your Hat On
Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock - It Takes Two
Billy Idol - Mony Mony
Otis Day and the Nights - Shout

Songs worth taking a risk on: If these work, it will be totally fucking awesome.
Booker T and the MGs - Green Onions
James - Laid
Ray Charles - What'd I Say
Steppenwolf - Magic Carpet Ride
Beatles - Twist and Shout (Make sure to do the whole Ferris Bueller routine)
Proclaimers - I'm Gonna Be
Stealers Wheel - Stuck in the Middle with You

How to Dance

This all comes down to elementary logic. I made you a witty flowchart.

Seems easy enough, eh? Old people and ladies need not apply to this logic. You're safe: now go get out on that dance floor and look like an idiot, already.

How to Drink at a Wedding

Oh, boy. Okay. I can see how this might get a little tricky.

If it is a cash bar, tip big on your first drink or first few drinks (it'll stick in the bartender's mind the rest of the night, your drink service will be faster than everybody else's), and then tip what you otherwise would regularly tip a bartender the rest of the night. Feel free to drink heavily: if the bride & groom were dick enough to make you buy them a wedding gift and buy yourself a new suit and pay for drinks, make sure you know how much you appreciate it by staggering all about the hall, and possibly feeling up one of the bridesmaids on the dance floor.

Just kidding. Don't be a dick, yo.

If it is an open bar, drink with some amount of courtesy. Don't be the idiot that rushes up there immediately after speeches, or boos loudly when the MC says that the bar service will be shut down for dinner.

Never order more than two drinks at a time, even if you're getting it for your whole table. The bartender will get you in his/her mind as the one to stop serving first.

Try your best to go up when there's at least one other person in line, or at the very least, go up with your date, or a friend. That way, people won't point you out as "the typical drunk guy". Something about seeing a guy at the bar alone just clicks in people's memories as a no-no.

The big rule is to have fun, though. Don't ever get any drunker than the best man, and if you're a woman, don't ever get drunk enough to cry. Don't ever make a toast or a speech when you're half-in-the-bag, unless a panel of at least 3 sober table members tell you that it's a good idea. extra warning: They might just be trying to trick you, though, because as harmful to the marriage as drunk speeches might be, they are god damned hilarious.


So thus ends part two of my "How to Attend a Wedding" blog spectacular! I've got more to say on the subject, no doubt. Should I come up with a part 3 sometime?

As for me, I'm off to London to see Matthew Good in concert tonight. Fifth time! I'm psyched.

Thanks for the comments: Nofun, Maggie, Sia.


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